Friday 16 December 2022

8 signs that your postman is trying to kill you

Postmen are important as they bring you bills, reminders and advertisements. But what if he is secretly out to get you? What if he is just waiting for the right moment? The Postillon presents eight sure signs that your postie is trying to kill you.

1. He knows your name and where you live.
You have no personal contact with your postman. So how come he knows your name and address? PSYCHO!

2. He is lurking round your house at least once a day
What other possible business could your postman have creeping about in front of your door nearly every day but to work out how best to kill you?

3. He always has a friendly nod for you when you see him
The oldest trick in the book! By being friendly, he is just trying to lull you into a false sense of security. This guy is utterly cold-blooded!

4. He leaves secret threat messages in your post
If you circle the right letters and arrange them anew, almost all letters you receive will show the secret message: “I am going to kill you. Signed, your postman.”

5. If you overpower him and drag him into your home, he will deny everything
If you finally intervene, overpower this creep and drag him into your home, he suddenly becomes innocence itself and denies every one of your accusations. That is exactly what a sick killer would do to make you feel guilty for finally having caught him.

6. He tries to trigger an empathy reaction by claiming to have family
In his purse, there even is a photo showing him with his wife and small children – now what a coincidence! If you value your life, do not believe this sympathy scam even for one second.

7. Your captive will secretly try to loosen his ties to grab the nearest object with which he could kill you
Aha! You knew it all along! Now is the right time to use the weapons you have stashed in your anti-postal-worker-armoury that you built as a precautionary measure.

8. Next, he tries to run out of the house in a panic to call the pol…wait a minute…

Surely, a killer would not do this?! There is something off here! Wait, are you the bad guy now? Never mind. There must be no witnesses. After him, quick!

ssi, dan; pictures: Shutterstock; first published 2018-03-20
Read the German version HERE.
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