News Ticker (19)

+++ "Please, take assheat!": Man guides guest to butt-warming chair +++
+++ Shoplifting: Godzilla takes away entire supermarket +++
+++ Blue toe: dwarf planet bruises foot +++
+++ Ran somewhere: internet security specialist disappeared after hacker attack +++
+++ Some more war: Russians celebrate tea time in Ukraine +++
+++ Just in: Bieber's new Album has arrived +++
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Heroic passer-by smashes car window to save multipack of beer from dying of heat stroke

Peterborough, UK (dpo) - Saved in the nick of time! A man from Peterborough showed real courage today: he saw a multipack of beer which looked certain to die a painful death from heat stroke in a car that was parked in the direct heat of the sun. He acted swiftly to save it, smashing in the front window of the car. Now, Daniel Ruston is even due to receive an award from the City of Peterborough recognising his bravery.
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“Right, that’s enough!”: Queen to reinstate absolute monarchy

London (dpo) - In the wake of the political chaos following Boris Johnson's resignation as Prime Minister HM Queen Elizabeth II has announced that she has had quite enough. Today in a televised speech the 96 year old monarch declared that the system of parliamentary monarchy was to transition to one of absolute monarchy with immediate effect.
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Boy in Bangladesh ridiculed by peers for not making designer clothes

Dhaka (dpo) - Rifat Muntasir (11) does not have it easy. The young textile-industry worker is constantly bullied by his peers because, unlike them, he does not make brand-name clothes. Instead, he spends his days making clothes for a variety of white-label companies and cheap discounters, working up to 13 hours per day.
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Eighth grader kicked out of school for dividing by zero

Edmonton, Canada (dpo) - What was he thinking? His teacher warned him off several times but Max S. still went ahead and divided by zero. Now the 13-year-old has been expelled from Allendale junior high school in Edmonton, Alberta. Luckily, only his maths teacher was adversely affected. She is now receiving psychological support.
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Automobile Club advises: always provide foil if leaving pet in parked car

Madrid (dpo) - Due to the current heat wave sweeping Spain and other parts of Europe, the Royal Automobile Club of Spain is urging all drivers to be especially careful when parking their vehicle in the blazing sun. Dog or cat owners who leave their pets in the car should always ensure they line their seat with foil.
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NRA sends gift basket with "consolation weapons" to relatives of Texas School Shooting

Uvalde (dpo) - A truly noble gesture in difficult times: just one week after the terrible day in which a mass shooting left 19 children and two adults dead, the National Rifle Association (NRA) has presented the relatives of the casualties with a small gift. As a consolation for their loss, the families of each victim received a gift basket with a varied mixture of local weapon specialities.
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