Trump declares national emergency because there is a madman in the White House

Washington, D.C. (dpo) - A mentally unstable man currently occupies the White House. In response, US President Donald Trump today declared a national emergency. This Executive Order permits him to circumvent Congress’s authority over the budget.
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“Right, that’s enough!”: Queen reinstates absolute monarchy

London (dpo) - In the face of the chaotic state of British politics regarding the Brexit process, HM Queen Elizabeth II has announced that she has had quite enough. Today in a televised speech the 91 year old monarch declared that the system of parliamentary monarchy was to transition to one of absolute monarchy with immediate effect.
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Cruel little milk vampires suck life-sustaining fluid from innocent women

Münster, Germany (dpo) - A shocking study on so-called lacto vampirism by the Parazoological Faculty of the University of Münster has caused quite a stir. The study found that thousands of women in Germany alone are under the unholy influence of tiny milk vampires who are both unpredictable and milkthirsty.
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26 most hard-working people as rich as 3.8 billion laziest people combined

Oxford, UK (dpo) - They really have earned it: a recent study by well known NGO Oxfam has revealed that the 26 most hard-working people on the planet are as wealthy as the 3.8 billion laziest people in the world combined. According to Oxfam, the results of this study starkly demonstrate just how much personal commitment to your job always pays off.
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Polar vortex: Trump demands US citizens turn heating on full and open all windows

Washington (dpo) - US residents are shivering in one of the worst cold snaps in the country’s history – in the face of temperatures falling to -40 °F (-40 °C), several US states have already declared a state of emergency. Today, US President Donald Trump also addressed citizens: he recommended all inhabitants of affected areas turn their heating up all the way and open all windows to fight the record cold.
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Jogger uses last dregs of strength to sprint energetically past group of women

Edmonton, Alberta (dpo) - The sacrifice was necessary. In a bid to look as fit as possible, a jogger from Edmonton used his final energy reserves today to sprint past a group of women with his stomach pulled in. 26-year-old Nathan L. reported the story from his hospital bed, where he is currently recovering from the incident.
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Nine out of ten spiders suffer intense fear of hysterically screaming women

Hanover (dpo) - Extensive tests carried out by scientists at the Zoological Institute of the University of Veterinary Medicine in Hanover have shown that nine out of ten common spiders feel extremely panicked when confronted with screaming women. The anxiety disorder, known as “sirenophobia”, is actually far more widespread among arachnids than was previously thought. The zoologists arrived at these results by locking up spiders and women in a room together.
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