Smoker dies of heart attack on seeing unsettling graphic health warning

Gelsenkirchen, Germany (dpo) - Having discovered a brutal graphic health warning on his packet of cigarettes, a 53 year-old man from Gelsenkirchen, Germany, died of a heart attack this morning. Critics of the tobacco industry regard the man’s death as proof that the graphic health warnings are working – after all, he finally stopped smoking after 39 years.
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8 signs that your postman is trying to kill you

Postmen are important as they bring you bills, reminders and advertisements. But what if he is secretly out to get you? What if he is just waiting for the right moment? The Postillon presents eight sure signs that your postie is trying to kill you.
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Pedestrian collides with parked smart car, car totalled

Mainz (dpo) - On Tuesday, a careless pedestrian in the city of Mainz collided with a parked smart car, totalling the car. According to witnesses, the man who caused the accident was moving at a speed of approx. 2 mph. Afterwards, the man, whose identity remains a mystery, fled on foot. He is now wanted by the police.
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Death-trap swings: majority of German playgrounds not fitted with winter tyres

Darmstadt (dpo) - German playgrounds are insufficiently prepared for the cold season – that is according to the results of a nationwide investigation carried out by the Technical Inspection Association TÜV which sampled over 300 sites. In particular, their experts criticised the lack of winter tyres on swings and seesaws. In adverse weather conditions, this could cause life-threatening accidents.
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Man unsure how much to spend on Christmas present after agreeing not to exchange gifts

Vancouver (dpo) - It is quite the conundrum. William McLaughlin from Vancouver is once again facing his annual dilemma: how much money should he spend on his girlfriend Susanne? The problem is that the couple have agreed not to exchange gifts for Christmas. This has ended disastrously for the 29-year-old for the last two years.
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New ‘burkdl’ enables devout Muslim women to attend Oktoberfest

Munich, Bavaria (dpo) - Finally, devout Muslim women need no longer forego beer, pork knuckles and hearty oompah music. Today, a fashion designer from Munich unveiled his latest creation, which he calls the ‘burkdl’. The garment is a cross between a burka and a dirndl, merging eastern and western traditions elegantly and respectfully. Of course, it had to be approved by an Imam before it could hit the shops.
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News Ticker (19)

+++ "Please, take assheat!": Man guides guest to butt-warming chair +++
+++ Shoplifting: Godzilla takes away entire supermarket +++
+++ Blue toe: dwarf planet bruises foot +++
+++ Ran somewhere: internet security specialist disappeared after hacker attack +++
+++ Some more war: Russians celebrate tea time in Ukraine +++
+++ Just in: Bieber's new Album has arrived +++
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