Scientific sensation: chimp able to read The Sun

Oxford (dpo) - Are our animal relatives more intelligent than we had previously thought? Scientists from the Oxford Institute of Cognitive and Evolutionary Anthropology have now succeeded in teaching a 15-year-old chimp how to read and understand The Sun. Having read the paper, Coco the chimp, who takes about 30 minutes for a complete edition, is able to correctly reproduce the content of every single piece of news. PETA activists have been criticizing this experiment as animal torture.
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Man inserts cotton bud too far into ear, accidentally resets himself to factory settings

Cardiff (dpo) - A man from Cardiff is experiencing a true renaissance after inserting a cotton swab so far into his ear that he managed to reset himself to factory settings. Now, the 28-year-old is having to relearn basic skills such as speaking, walking and eating independently. Experts are faced with a complete mystery.
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“No more sharing!”: WHO recommends individual joints

Geneva, Switzerland (dpo) - In order to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus, the World Health Organization is now recommending that pot smokers stop passing around joints in the traditional manner for the foreseeable future. Instead, experts at the WHO recommend that each person should have an individual toke.
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News Ticker (14)

+++ Rest in peas: widow scatters ashes of deceased husband in vegetable garden +++
+++ A doll fiddler: Nazi puppet plays violin +++
+++ "B positive": nurse cheers up blood donor +++
+++ Aspen: Colorado man hides writing implement in rectum +++
+++ Bruce: Lee makes his own beer +++
+++ Your whale-cum: waiter responds to being thanked for serving sperm of marine mammal +++
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Self isolation for foodies: our top 10 recipes for pasta and toilet paper

Empty shelves are a common sight in supermarkets worldwide lately. Panic buyers favour pasta, toilet paper and disinfectant. Here at The Postillon, we asked gourmet chefs: what can you do with these items in the nightmare situation that you are quarantined? We have shortlisted the top ten recipes for pasta and toilet paper:
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97% of all rabbits suffer from overbite and should wear braces

Hanover (dpo) - Almost all rabbits in Germany suffer from an overbite. This news comes according to the results of a recent study conducted by scientists in the department of dentistry at Hanover University. According to the study, up to 97% of all animals belonging to the family Leporidae, which includes rabbits, would benefit from wearing braces to correct the positioning of their teeth.
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Woman starts prowling nasty places at night as pepper spray approaches expiry date

Durban, South Africa (dpo) - It is a desperate fight against time: Sylvia Tucker recently discovered that the pepper spray she keeps in her handbag is close to its expiry date. She has therefore started to lurk in some of the most dangerous areas of Durban each night, hoping someone will attempt to attack or sexually assault her before the end of the month.
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