Friday 11 November 2016

Trump’s 10 radical plans for his first 100 days

Donald Trump has Republican majorities in the House of Representatives and the Senate, making him the most powerful US President in years. But what exactly does the amicable billionaire want to achieve with that power? Read on to find out what President Trump has planned for his first 100 days in office:

1. Convert the White House into the White Tower
“Make America Great Again” was Trump’s campaign slogan. The first thing to be made great will be his own residence. The White House is to be extended to cover 345 floors and adorned with large gold letters spelling “Trump White Tower” down its side. Work is due to begin as soon as Trump takes office in January 2017. The lucrative contract for the construction of the White Tower is to be awarded to Trump’s own construction company.

2. Leave the EU (USAxit)
Trump wants to see the USA leave the EU as quickly as possible. “We cannot allow some random bureaucrats in Brussels to dictate to the man on the street what the maximum curvature of his shotgun barrel is allowed to be, folks! I’m tellin’ ya, we gotta leave the EU!” said Trump during his electoral campaign.

3. Reverse everything Obama ever said or did
Republicans have been waiting a long time for this one. Trump wishes to reverse all of Obama’s laws and official acts. That is not all, though – Barack Obama’s personal achievements are also to be rescinded, including his university degree from 1991. In addition, a cat that Obama rescued after it had been run over in 2005 is now to be found and killed.

4. Withdraw from conflict zones
Donald Trump believes that the USA should stop acting as the world’s police force and concentrate more on its own affairs. For Europeans, that means that their politicians will claim their countries must take on greater international responsibilities, leading to greater armament and more frequent military intervention. Things would be completely different if Hillary had won: she would have encouraged European nations to take on greater international responsibilities, leading European politicians to willingly undertake greater armament in order to successfully take part in more military interventions.

5. Introduce mandatory burkas for all women scoring less than 7
This policy is particularly close to Donald Trump’s heart. All women scoring less than 7/10 for looks must hide their unattractive bodies with a burka. These women will not be confused for one of the 3.3 million Muslims living in the USA since the latter will be imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay the day after Trump takes office. Any woman wishing to avoid this fate may undergo plastic surgery to improve her score.

6. Cede Alaska to Vladimir Putin
No more Cold War for Donald Trump. As a symbol of his goodwill and cooperation with Vladimir Putin, he is to cede the State of Alaska to Russia. Alaska never particularly appealed to Trump anyway, since the cold climate prevents women from wearing sexy clothes the majority of the time. In return, Putin will undertake to solve all future crises in the Middle East.

7. Convert Yosemite National Park into a luxury golf course
Donald Trump does not hold with his predecessor Barack Obama’s environment policies. This is particularly evident in his plan to convert Yosemite National Park into over 1,000 sq mi of luxury golf course by the name of Trumpemite National Golf Course. The lucrative contract for the construction of the golf course is to be awarded to Trump’s own construction company.

8. Make gun ownership mandatory
As a small concession to his supporters in the NRA, Trump plans to introduce mandatory gun ownership (“mandatory right to keep and bear arms”) in his first 100 days as president. This will apply to all US citizens capable of bearing arms. Infants under the age of six months are exempt but must possess a cuddly toy gun. Mandatory gun ownership is intended to prevent all future mass shootings and rampages in the USA since any armed maniacs may be shot on sight.

Cut taxes to 0% to finally bleed dry the damned government
In a bid to finally free US citizens from the tyranny of government greed and create a friendly investment climate for businesses, Trump has announced that all taxes will be cut to 0%. He is to replace the current giant bureaucracy machine which costs billions of dollars per year with a single office where a maximum of three employees will work. The new office is to finance itself by running a lemonade stand on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C.

10. Build a wall around the USA
Trump has long since decided that a wall along the Mexican border is insufficient. That is ever since he heard that refugees can arrive by sea or via Canada. He therefore now plans to build a fifteen-feet high wall surrounding the whole country: 19,973 miles along both land borders and coastline. There is a bonus to this plan, too – not only will nobody be able to enter the country, nobody will be able to leave either. The lucrative contract for the construction of the wall is to be awarded to Trump’s own construction company.

ssi, dan; pictures: mostly Shutterstock; picture Trump: Gage Skidmore, CC BY-SA 2.0
Read the German version HERE.
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