Friday 2 July 2021

“You call that torture? Ha!” – Donald Rumsfeld ridicules devil

Hell (dpo) - Is that it? Former US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld died on 29 June and is currently being tortured in hell for the many war crimes for which he was responsible. He believes, though, that the methods applied are of poor quality.

“You call that torture? Ha!” This was Mr Rumsfeld’s mocking response as he burned in hell. “I could offer you so much advice on how to make me and these other lost souls suffer much more. But we have to call it ‘advanced interrogation techniques’ if it’s coming from me.”

For example, instead of tossing the damned into pits of fire, it would be better to waterboard them with lava. “I also suggest stopping stabbing criminals like me with pitchforks as it leaves visible injuries which could be problematic if the media were to get hold of it,” advised Rumsfeld.

Instead, Rumsfeld recommends blows to the lower abdomen, locking prisoners in small boxes, stripping prisoners naked to shame them, sleep deprivation over several days, sexual abuse, ice baths, walling and several other cruel CIA torture methods that were in standard use in the Bush years.

“You should have come to Guantanamo while I was in office! Or Abu Ghraib. You could really have learned something.”

After a longer induction, Rumsfeld’s shrill screams echo through hell, “Aaaaaargh! Whyyyy did I tell you all thaaat?”

pfg, ssi, dan; picture: Shutterstock

Read the German version HERE.

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