Postillon: President Trump, thank you for finding the time for this interview.
Trump (lighting a cigar): Yeah, I don’t usually like to do interviews. Fake news everywhere! I’m sure you know that. You seem serious though. Do you mind if I smoke?
Postillon: Yes.
Trump: Well I’m smoking anyway. Make America great again!
Postillon: [Coughs] Let’s get right to the point: yesterday you shocked the world by announcing that you were pulling out of the Paris climate agreement. What led you to that monumental decision?
Trump: Yeah, it was a big decision. Maybe the biggest ever. Almost as big as my election victory in November. They all said it was impossible, Crooked Hillary was gonna win. But then I won the greatest victory in history. The greatest!
Postillon: Mm yes. Congratulations once again. But getting back to the climate agreement: why do you want to withdraw your country from the agreement?
Trump: Global warming. How long will it take for the US to feel serious effects? These eggheads, what are they called again? Oh yeah, scientists. Anyway, they say that it’ll be really bad in 15 or 20 years. I’m 70 now and in 10 years tops I’ll be dead anyway, embalmed and lying in my gold mausoleum in Washington D. C. Why would I care about the climate?
Postillon: And your children? They have to continue to live on this planet after you.
Trump: Ah, they’re rich. They’ll be fine. Ivanka, for example, is smart, rich and very sexy, too. The dream woman if you ask me. The planet can’t possibly get as hot as her.
Postillon: Okay… what did you dislike so much about the Paris agreement? Your predecessor Barack Obama made sure it was kept very vague and didn’t contain any real consequences for polluters.
Trump: Well, to start with, the agreement was very unfair to the USA. At least, that’s what Steve Bannon and someone on FOX News told me. Also, why would I care about the climate in Paris? I might have reacted differently if it was the Pittsburgh climate agreement. Aside from that, one of my most important goals is to reverse everything that was put into place by this Obama [spits on the floor in disgust]. And: make America great again!
Postillon: Yes…but what consequences will this have exactly? Will the USA continue to try and reduce carbon emissions regardless?
Trump: We will do the opposite! We want to at least triple our carbon emissions by 2020, maybe even double them! No President before me has ever achieved that. We will do everything possible to reach this ambitious goal. We will convert our electric chairs to use combustion engines and wind turbines will turn backwards and consume electricity. If necessary, we will build factories which don’t even make anything. They’ll just burn trees and produce smoke. And that even has the side effect of generating jobs.
Postillon: But…that would be pretty harmful to the climate...
Trump: That’s nonsense. Climate schlimate. I can’t understand why everyone is whinging again. We can do what we want with our American air. If other countries want to keep their own air clean, please, go ahead. I’m not stopping you. Anyway, if the Earth warms up, I won’t have to go to Mar-a-Lago as often, I can just stay in tropical Washington D. C.
Postillon: The USA is now on a level with Syria and Nicaragua, the only countries to have spoken out against the agreement. Does that worry you?
Trump: Syria made a good choice not to take part. After all, lots of carbon dioxide is released when we bomb it. And what on earth is Nicaragua? Is that something to do with the N-word?
Postillon: Nicaragua is a country in Central America.
Trump: I know what Nicaragua is! You’re not very polite. Make America great again!
Postillon: What is your response to those people who say that withdrawing from the agreement will not be an advantage to the US economy? Instead the US will be economically left behind by the rest of the world.
Trump: Make America great again!
Postillon: That’s not really an answer to the que...
Trump (louder): MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
Postillon: Oh, okay, well, thank you for the interv...
Trump (shouting): MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!
ssi, dan, pfg; picture: Shutterstock
Read the German version HERE.
