Wednesday 20 May 2020

Breaking news: USA withdraws from Earth

Washington (dpo) - It was the next logical step. Having previously not only withdrawn from the Paris Climate Agreement, Unesco and the UN Human Rights Committee but also having stopped payments for the WHO, the USA has now gone a step further. This afternoon, the USA withdrew from Earth with immediate effect on orders from President Trump. For the first time in its history, the country is no longer a part of Earth.

“We no longer want to be a part of a celestial body which does not prioritise American interests above all else”, explained President Trump. He stated that other countries have shamelessly taken advantage of the USA’s role as part of Earth for centuries. He told reporters that he was finally putting an end to this practice.
The President tweeted:
Withdrawing from Earth has already solved a number of political problems which previously affected the USA: illegal immigration from Latin America has practically ceased, meaning the country no longer needs to spend huge sums of money on building a wall. It will also be impossible for pandemics to be brought into the USA from abroad.
In addition, the USA is saving money by no longer belonging to NATO, the notable earthly military alliance. The move has also ended all trade relationships with foreign countries, which were previously characterised by trade deficits on the part of the USA. These two aspects alone will save the country hundreds of billions of dollars.
It is as yet unclear where Earth’s former third largest country will now go. At press time, it is clearly heading towards the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter, where the US government expects to find plentiful oil deposits.
Experts predict that the first extra-terrestrial country in the history of humanity will, sooner or later, conquer a new planet using Trump’s newly founded Space Force.
shp, dan, ssi; first published 2018-06-22

Read the German version HERE.
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