1. “Striiiike! I won that bet!”
2. “Right! When shall we start?”
3. “Did you also think of Homer Simpson while doing it?”
4. “Yikes! I mistook you for someone else!”
5. “Welcome to the Syphilis Club!”
6. “That’ll be $5, please”
7. “Well, doing it with a human...yes, there is definitely something to it, I can see that now.”
8. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
9. “I hope you don’t mind, but after sex I always need to smoke first and then drink seven beers and three shots and throw up afterwards.”
10. “Number 473: check!”
11. “And this hysterical screaming is what you call moaning, right?”
12. “Sorry, what was your name again?”
13. “Oh no, I completely forgot to end my call! Grandma? Are you still there? No, no, I am fine, don’t worry!”
14. “Woah! This was really bad.”
15. “Well, my mom taught me that one differently.”
16. “I’m a celebrity… Get me out of here!”
17. “Personally, I find it quite arousing but you should really have a doctor look at this.”
18. “Well, considering I am only 15 and not 18 like I said, that was quite a stunning performance, was it not?”
19. “Great…I had not planned on showering again this month.”
20. “Do you mind if I masturbate? It was a little boring for me. And could you leave the room? Otherwise, this might not work either.”
21. “I have to tell you something: I am still a virgin.”
22. “Haha, just kidding! I didn’t want to after all!”
23. “Are you sure this belonged there?”
24. “You really are better than your sister.”
25. “Well? Did I get the job?”
26. “I think we should get married in a week.”
27. “У Путина наконец-то есть что-то против тебя в руках.”
28. “Do you feel this horrible burning, too?”
29. “Well, well, well, there is still room for improvement, isn’t there?”
30. “My therapist was right – I make the same mistake over and over again.”
31. “I’ll give you a good TripAdvisor review if you give me one, too.”
32. “Wow, I will be socially ruined if anyone finds out about this.”
33. *YAWN* “When you said we should sleep together, I didn’t imagine I would actually drop off.”
34. “Argh! My heart! Quick, call an ambulan…”
35. “Now that I have your attention: would you like to talk about Jesus with me?”
36. “Woah, I have to take a right bastard of a dump now – what about you?”
37. “Now I have finally made my decision: I am going to enter a convent.”
38. “Next please!”
39. “The eagle has landed. I repeat: the eagle has landed. ACCESS!”
40. “I am going to have a shower now and a cry and lie down in the foetal position for a while.”
41. “Have you ever thought about cosmetic surgery?”
42. “Don’t you dare and say anything now. I cannot stand people bending my ear straight after sex. There is probably some underlying early childhood experience causing this that I still find extremely hard to deal with. You know, when I was a kid…”
43. “Now when exactly are you expected to put on this condom?”
44. “Please ask my attorney for your hush money.”
45. “It is a shame our children will turn out ugly.”
46. “Well done! Good boy! Have a treat!”
fed, ssi, dan, pfg, adg; picture: Shutterstock; first published 10-3-2019
Read the German version HERE.
