Thursday 1 April 2021

46 Things you should never say after sex

For some, it is the most wonderful hobby you could ask for and for others it is the highlight of their year: sex. But what should you say once it is over and you are lying next to each other more or less satisfied? Well, how are we to know? The only thing we are sure of are the 46 things you should never ever say after sex:

1. “Striiiike! I won that bet!”
2. “Right! When shall we start?”
3. “Did you also think of Homer Simpson while doing it?”
4. “Yikes! I mistook you for someone else!”
5. “Welcome to the Syphilis Club!”
6. “That’ll be $5, please”
7. “Well, doing it with a human...yes, there is definitely something to it, I can see that now.”
9. “I hope you don’t mind, but after sex I always need to smoke first and then drink seven beers and three shots and throw up afterwards.”
10. “Number 473: check!”
11. “And this hysterical screaming is what you call moaning, right?”
12. “Sorry, what was your name again?”
13. “Oh no, I completely forgot to end my call! Grandma? Are you still there? No, no, I am fine, don’t worry!”
14. “Woah! This was really bad.”
15. “Well, my mom taught me that one differently.”
16. “I’m a celebrity… Get me out of here!”
17. “Personally, I find it quite arousing but you should really have a doctor look at this.”
18. “Well, considering I am only 15 and not 18 like I said, that was quite a stunning performance, was it not?”
19. “Great…I had not planned on showering again this month.”
20. “Do you mind if I masturbate? It was a little boring for me. And could you leave the room? Otherwise, this might not work either.”
21. “I have to tell you something: I am still a virgin.”
22. “Haha, just kidding! I didn’t want to after all!”
23. “Are you sure this belonged there?”
24. “You really are better than your sister.”
25. “Well? Did I get the job?”
26. “I think we should get married in a week.”
27. “У Путина наконец-то есть что-то против тебя в руках.”
28. “Do you feel this horrible burning, too?”
29. “Well, well, well, there is still room for improvement, isn’t there?”
30. “My therapist was right – I make the same mistake over and over again.”
31. “I’ll give you a good TripAdvisor review if you give me one, too.”
32. “Wow, I will be socially ruined if anyone finds out about this.”
33. *YAWN* “When you said we should sleep together, I didn’t imagine I would actually drop off.”
34. “Argh! My heart! Quick, call an ambulan…”
35. “Now that I have your attention: would you like to talk about Jesus with me?”
36. “Woah, I have to take a right bastard of a dump now – what about you?”
37. “Now I have finally made my decision: I am going to enter a convent.”
38. “Next please!”
39. “The eagle has landed. I repeat: the eagle has landed. ACCESS!”
40. “I am going to have a shower now and a cry and lie down in the foetal position for a while.”
41. “Have you ever thought about cosmetic surgery?”
42. “Don’t you dare and say anything now. I cannot stand people bending my ear straight after sex. There is probably some underlying early childhood experience causing this that I still find extremely hard to deal with. You know, when I was a kid…”
43. “Now when exactly are you expected to put on this condom?”
44. “Please ask my attorney for your hush money.”
45. “It is a shame our children will turn out ugly.”
46. “Well done! Good boy! Have a treat!”

fed, ssi, dan, pfg, adg; picture: Shutterstock; first published 10-3-2019
Read the German version HERE.
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