Cry for help in alphabet soup: police storm Campbell’s factory

Shepperton, Australia (dpo) - A raid was carried out on the Campbell’s manufacturing facility in Shepperton after a woman from Perth alerted police to a shocking cry for help she had found in her alphabet soup. However, the large-scale operation led by the force’s Critical Incident Response Team yielded no results.
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The couldn’t-care-less generation: 95 percent of all babies do not help with household chores

Princeton (dpo) - Is the world’s laziest generation of all times impending upon us? According to an international study by approved sociologists of Princeton University, USA; newborns of the last two years rarely or never help with their parents’ household chores.
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Syria edition of classic board game Risk now available

Pawtucket (dpo) - Toy manufacturer Hasbro today presented a new version of the classic strategy board game Risk which will be commercially available from spring 2018. In Risk Syria, up to 32 players (Russia, USA, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Germany, Iran, etc.) can engage in a proxy war on the battleground of Syria using an unending series of dice games to dispute the bombed-out city of Aleppo and the handling of so-called ‘Islamic State’.
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“Guns don’t kill people, people do”: US gun lobby demands ban on people

Fairfax (dpo) - “Guns don’t kill people, people do.” That is according to the NRA, a US pro-weapon lobby group, following the mass shooting in Sutherland Springs which killed more than 20 people. They are now demanding a national ban on people. This is predicted to reduce the number of gun-related deaths to zero in the long term.
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80% of all children are not suitable for toys according to consumer organisation

New York (dpo) - The United States based non-profit organisation Consumer Reports has tested 1,000 children – and with alarming results. The tests showed that more than 80% of children between the ages of two and ten are completely unsuitable for toys and simply break everything. For the test, 1,000 children were left alone to play in a room full of toys, such as Matchbox cars, Lego bricks, Nintendo consoles and cuddly toys.
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Halloween horror: severely injured boy, 9, given sweets rather than medical attention

Coventry (dpo) - Poor little Timmy, 9! It all started on Tuesday evening, when he fell out of his bedroom window, sustaining a severe laceration which resulted in heavy bleeding. And it all went downhill from there. At this point, 9 year-old Timmy was covered in blood and completely disorientated. He managed to ring several doorbells in an attempt to get help, yet help was not forthcoming. Instead, the residents of these houses simply smiled at him and gave him generous quantities of sweets.
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Eighth grader kicked out of school for dividing by zero

Edmonton, Canada (dpo) - What was he thinking? His teacher warned him off several times but Max S. still went ahead and divided by zero. Now the 13-year-old has been expelled from Allendale junior high school in Edmonton, Alberta. Luckily, only his maths teacher was adversely affected. She is now receiving psychological support.
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