Young man admitted to psychiatric ward due to lack of social media accounts

Cologne (dpo) - He will probably not ‘like’ this: today, 22 year-old Sven B was sectioned and admitted to a secure psychiatric ward since he does not have any accounts with any social networking sites, such as Instagram, Snapchat or even Facebook. This comes after Sven B’s friends alerted the health authorities saying they were extremely worried about this young man’s antisocial behaviour.
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Cost cuts at top: British Government and Parliament outsourced to India

London, New Delhi (dpo) - Finally, some success in limiting costs! At a press conference in New Delhi, the newly elected Prime Minister, Nirmala Karmabai (Conservative Party), today confirmed that from Monday, both Government and Parliament will be outsourced to India in their entirety.
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Product recall: babies born in 2016 and 2017

Limited motor skills, excessive salivation and constant wailing, among other faults, today led the Ministry for Family Affairs to place a product recall on babies born in 2016 and 2017.
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Damage valued at £88.27 as burglars strip Primark store of entire contents

Sheffield (dpo) - Sheffield’s burglars had a ball last night: unknown perpetrators stripped bare the Primark store located at number 30 The Moor, right down to the last T-shirt. The criminals even managed to make off with the till containing the day’s takings. According to police, the total damage is estimated to £88.27 (US$ 120.42 at time of publishing).
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New ISIS rules require female animals to wear burka

Ash Sha'fah, Syria (dpo) - It has emerged that Islamist terror organisation ISIS not only obliges human women to completely cover themselves using a burka in the remaining territories they control, in fact, they impose the same rule on female animals.
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Death-trap swings: majority of German playgrounds not fitted with winter tyres

Darmstadt (dpo) - German playgrounds are insufficiently prepared for the cold season – that is according to the results of a nationwide investigation carried out by the Technical Inspection Association TÜV which sampled over 300 sites. In particular, their experts criticised the lack of winter tyres on swings and seesaws. In adverse weather conditions, this could cause life-threatening accidents.
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News ticker (8)

+++ Check, check, check: contract killer works through to-do list in Prague +++
+++ Ill eagle: sharing pictures of sick hawk is against the law +++
+++ Only a short sentence: prisoner barely has time to tweet +++
+++ Wife high: spouse stoned from internet use +++
+++ Holiday, oh nice: cast members glad about time off for celebrations +++
+++ "Deep, hard? Sure!": Wife agrees to quickie before flight +++
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